Insomnia

It’s so hard to live with insomnia.

At 15 I was diagnosed with depression and that’s when I started taking sleeping medication. Ever since then, there was only ONE nigh where I was able to sleep without any type of medication.

10 years of my life, I’ve been hooked to medicine, needing it to sleep.

It fluctuates, honestly, sometimes it is easier, I can easily fall asleep with a smaller doses. Other times, I have to take so many pills to fall asleep, that I can’t wake up the next day.

It is hard, there have been periods of my life where I was completely numbed by medication. I don’t remember classes, people, events, nothing.

After 8 years I finally got rid of a specific medication, but just went straight to the other, always overseen by doctors. Always wondering if I’ll ever be able to lay my head down on the pillow and sleep like a “normal” human being.

It is hard, living with depression, that is what causes my insomnia. It’s just a hard, solitary thing. It hurts. I don’t like it!

My Hair

If you have known me for a long time, or even if you just got here, I think it is visible that I’m always changing the color of my hair.

Most of them have a meaning attached to it, today I’m going to try and explain a little bit of what happens inside that little head of mine.

I have to start going way back and explaining that I absolutely LOVED pink when I was growing up, but with time I started forcing myself not to like it, for the simple fact that it was considered a feminine color.

I did everything to get away from that idea of being a “little girl”. I hated hearing “girls can’t do that”, “behave yourself”, “this is not ladylike”, “girls can’t talk like that”. As a born questioner, I did everything I could to rebel against the stereotype.

In 2018, when I died my hair pink, I was beginning to see “being a woman” as “being powerful”; women are strong, being a girl didn’t mean I was any less then the others, or that I couldn’t do something I wanted to.

When I died my hair blue, at the start of 2019, I had just gone through two situations that made me go back to that feeling of not liking being a woman. I wanted to get away from that, so with the blue hair came the baggy and black clothes.

After that I went through some colors that didn’t really have a meaning, didn’t have a set intention, and I always ended up back with the blue.

In 2020 I died my hair red, that was a color that made me feel powerful, I was secure with myself, that’s when my style changed and I started feeling more like me, being more confident.

This year I went back to blue, even though I loved the red, I started feeling like it drew too much attention to me.

Now I decided to go with green. Green is hope, this year has started off being very challenging and full of uncomfortable situations that require a lot of hope, and that is mirrored on my hair.